Ian Mckellen young

I love him. I really do

Perhaps it’s the Bob Dylan playing in the background that has got me on my tumblr again. I shy from these you know. Haha. I can’t bear the judgement especially from a random stranger, but then again it’s not like anyone comes onto my page so what’s the harm? :P. Besides I’m bored.

Went to get philly cheese steak today at an amazing joint down Beach. I’ve made up my mind, it’s perfect. haha. It’s a walk up type of place, but oh man did it hit the spot today. Can’t wait to come back with a J or perhaps Natasha will take Emery or maybe I’ll bring along Sam.

Felt like crying today. Natasha played “Inside Job” while I was over. It stirred me up so bad. A mixture of frustration, depression, and hopelessness left me unable to function for a while. I just watched (wide eyed) for the most part. I’d rather not touch upon politics haha so here comes a cool transition… WAZAM!

I’m just gonna list ten things that I’ve done recently that made me chuckle:

1. I bought a guitar strap even though I have a classical guitar (lolz)
2. I’m too lazy to go return said strap :P
3. Jiggle
4. Ate the big black brownie penis I got for Valentine’s (complete with white icing) :3
5. Was caught vocalizing to a Cher song in the shower… if only I could turn back time to warn myself
6. Met Marci’s wonderful family
7. Listened to some Slayer. Their lyrics get me everytime :’]
8. Embarassing situation in an elevator involving a bike, a paper bag, and jalapanoes
9. Went on a people safari with Anh
10. Watched as Lile walked around the room like a diva on her birthday :*

May this list remind me of all that I love in life when my memory fails me :D

You know, they say love finds you when you least expect it, but you know I never expect love to just waltz on through my door and swoop me away. Please I’m not that delusional. People may consider me picky when it comes to the type of guys I date, but I don’t. It’s just that it feels like usually in a room of say 10 people out of those 10 people 1 just happens to be gay. That gay guy is me. I don’t mingle too well with gay guys my age but that’s because I’m not all for raunchy sex and hookups. They can be fun once in a while, but in all honesty it’s substance I’m chasing after. I just wish there was a way for me to meet different types of gay guys haha. It sounds silly but I seem to be having a very difficult time with this. I know there has to be more people out there that think like me on this matter right? I hope so. Haha I just wish it was easier :P but then again if it wasn’t it wouldn’t be as fun right? Well it’s not even that fun right now really…

I heard a noise within my chest.
It spoke of wonder and dreams rich.
Where the meadows run forever
Where vast seas of happiness sail us away.

A voice so loud I could not shut it out.
So I let its power carry me down
To where the lilies grow wild and
Where it only rains sunshine.

But I open my eyes to realize
The situation I find myself within.
Only endless valleys of lonliness
Surround me; dead lilies placed before my feet.

How could I have known nature’s course
Would stir up so much chaos?
How could I have predicted, with all my
Prowess, that it would leave me lost?

It’s silly when you realize how little you really understand about the things around you.

You see, life is cruel. To gain something in life often times you lose something you hold dear. You lose your first pet and it teaches you what it means to cherish life. You lose your pride but you gain respect. Maybe not from those you were hoping, but those dashed hopes garner you a better sense of what really matters in life to you. Recently I lost a boyfriend.

Nothing morbid or anything like that he is alive haha. Though this feeling is new to me (losing your first love) I remain quite the optimist. I’ve known him for a year and a half and I would redo nothing. I see that now. I had to give him up, but who knows what comes next! I still love him and I probably forever will, but I love him enough, though, to suck it up and be brave for him. No one wants to be alone, I understand now that although it means me being single it doesn’t have to mean that I am alone. It took the love and lost of a boy to make me see that there is an abundance of love all around me. Thank you. Even if this truly is the end to our relationship it doesn’t mean it’s the end of us. Through the course of our time together I thought I was looking for love, but the truth was I guess I was just looking for a friend. That’s what you’ve been, a great friend to me. I hope we remain great friends for a very long time.

It really is rather silly how cruel life is, but with a little help from your friends it isn’t half bad. :]

I mean to write more, but typing on your phone is such a pain haha

Habits are just too painstakingly hard to break. Haha I told myself I would try to at least post something more often than every 2 months, but that hasn’t been working out well has it? Haha. How does tumblr even work really? Is it just another blogging site? Louise, what have you gotten me involved with…

Anyways decided that getting the tumblr app on my phone would be a good thing seeing how when I got the facebook app I just couldn’t tear myself away from facebook!

Well sleepy time now :]. I’ll see how all the cool kids are using tumblr tmr and deviate from them.

Through the trails and tribulations of my rather non-enjoyable childhood, I would like to think that I’ve encased myself inside a shell dense enough for the little things to be impervious to me. I bask in a fantasy that outer forces that hinder my own happiness do not exist and that I will overcome anything thrown my way with the dexterity and wit of a great hero, but deep down I am suffering from my own creation. The walls I have created only act as a blockade now. The people I love get pushed further away and the ones that I’ve lost will never return. I admit that I was blind in that I let my adversity hinder what is truly beautiful in front of me. Still that is no excuse for the rather immature choices I’ve made thus far.

Sometimes I wish I was transparent. Sometimes I just wish that people could see right through my facade and down to my core. So they can see what a lost child I really am. A child who’s just looking for some answers to the many questions haunting my mind. Sometimes I wish people would just see my intentions instead of the results. I don’t mean to hurt people, it’s just more often than I would like things turn out wrong. I say hurtful things when I don’t mean to and I do hurtful things when I don’t intend to. I just wish I didn’t feel the need to hide the real me so often. 

Gaaaaaah. Alright I thought it would be a good idea to walk out to the bank last night at around 11pm. As I was walking towards the bank a van drives by and the driver just stares at me. I think nothing of it. Get to the bank and the same man is circling the building and he just keeps staring at me. Scares the living daylight out of me and I hasten my pace and bolt home. Safe… or so I think! Today as I was waiting at the bus stop to get to work a man with his bike starts talking to me and he calls a taxi cab and offers me a ride. I said nay sir and waited for the bus. When it came he went on the bus with me and sat by me speaking nonsense. I was too afraid to follow on what he was saying. After I while I notice him taking pictures of me on his phone. Then when I decide to take one stop too soon as to try to just get away from him and it works till I get to the employee parking lot and he rides his bike over to me and tells me his name and then went on and and saying how he thinks I’m super cute. By this time I die a little inside and get total flashbacks of the night when that creepy asian man tried to kidnap me. I’m attracting the wrong type of attention!

It could be the fact that I just guzzled down a huge tub of kettle corn popcorn at the movie theaters not too long ago or it could be my insomnia is getting worst… Either way I cannot sleep right now so I thought a little typing might make my mind weary. Today was fun. I had written a memo for myself to call Vanvisa today to wish her a happy birthday, since you know… your friends get the phone calls while everyone else gets the facebook. The lack of sleep yesterday, however, made me completely forget about her birthday and at around 4pm as I was going to lie myself down for a nap (I could feel it coming!) Vanvisa calls me and the second I see her name I literally face palmed myself. She was inviting me to her birthday dinner at BJ’s that night and although I’m not a huge fan of the place I was extremely flattered to have been invited! I got dressed and was having a horrible hair day… I so regret chopping off my bangs out of frustration that night… Ate then went to go watch the new Shrek movie since Van wanted to. It was alright, had it’s moments. Nothing spectacular though.

I haven’t seen Richard in the longest time so I gave him a big hug today when I saw him. It kind of hurts my feelings, however, when he gets frightened of me. I can totally understand personal space and boundaries, yet it still hurts. Haha. I just wish he would understand that he’s one of the few people I really enjoy having around and that it’s purely friendship I’m after with him and nothing more. Oh well. I guess I assumed that we were closer than we truly are.

I want to sleep. I have work tomorrow, but every time I lay my head down and close my eyes I grow evermore restless. I’ve been having some troubling thoughts lately. Sometimes they’re scary and sometimes they’re confusing. I’m tired. I’ve been sleep deprived this whole week and I don’t understand why my body won’t let me enjoy a full night’s rest. Today I was so sleep deprived that at dinner I had no idea what I was saying. I can’t remember exactly what happened entirely tonight, but I do know I enjoyed myself… Set some Norah Jones in the background, hopefully her wonderful voice will calm me.